It is hard to say Goodbye

My Grandmother 

It is very hard to say goodbye to someone that you love. I posted earlier about my Grandmother whom I take care of. She has been sick for a long time but she has been slowly declining in health since her birthday in July. The past couple of days she has really made a turn for the worse. People have told me that I need to tell her goodbye and let her know its ok to go. I wasn't ready for this. I was in denial I suppose of how bad she was getting. It has been such a roller coaster of emotions dealing with being her full-time caregiver.

 I posted before about how she is like my Mom and Grandma all wrapped up into one person.Well the nurse came out today to check on her and she said that with all the things that are happening she see's that there is a significant decline.I was expecting the same explanation that this disease will be ups and downs and she will probably make another comeback and be around for a while.

I did not get that response. The Hospice Nurse let me know that she may only have a week or two at most and that she was almost certain she wouldn't make it till the 22nd of this month which is when school starts back for my boys. 

So I had to kinda take it all in. I have been trying to prepare myself for the inevitable but it is difficult because we had no time frame and she was having such good days that I thought she may actually get better.

 That was the hope that she would be around longer.

 She was so weak when it came time to put her to bed tonight, I tucked her in as always and said I love you. She replied "I love you too!" I said Grandma I really love you and then she said "if you don't stop talking like that I am going to cry.I said Grandma it's ok there is nothing you are leaving behind thats to hard for me to handle. I can take care of all of it for you.You see my grandma is an obsessive planner. She wrote her own obituary we still giggle about that. She wants everything to go according to plan. I have reminded her several times that she wont be attending her own funeral so it shouldn't matter that much. She disagrees. She then said to me I hope I get a chance before I go to talk to you and everyone else. I said Grandma now is as good a time as any please if you have something to say don't wait till its to late. She then told me that she had been seeing my Grandpa he passed 7 years ago. I said what did he say? She said he didn't say anything, she saw him and said "where are you going"? He was smiling and waved for her to follow and started walking away. Then turned back to look at her and waved again. I get chills just thinking about it. She said she see's him when she is awake and asleep. That he just keeps smiling at her. I told her that he is waiting on you Grandma he loves you. She then started crying. I hugged her tightly and told her how much she meant to me and that I didn't know what I would do without her. She said she was proud of me and that I was special. That God gave me to her as a special gift. She thanked me for taking such good care of her.We hugged and cried for a while and then she said she was tired so I told her goodnight and she said God willing I will see you again in the morning but if not I will see you in heaven. I told her I loved her one more time and she said thank you again and went to sleep.

 She is in there right now having a rough time breathing we don't know how much time she may have left in this world but I feel a strange since of peace knowing that we told each other what we wanted to say and that she was herself for the first time in months if only for a short time she was really her my sweet loving Grandmother that I adore.

 I thank God for this special gift he has given to me and I hope that he takes her home in peace. 

It is hard to say goodbye.